Phantom of the opera retold again
by Maidenhair
Summary: A new take on an old story. An old take on a new fic. A weird author gets weirder and offends more people. Please review.
1. Chapter 1: The Mirical of Birth Occurs

**The Phantom of the Opera Retold (again)**

**Chapter 1: The Miracle of Birth Occurs for the 300 Billionth Time**

At the very, very, very beginning there was nothing. Then there was the creation (or evolution) of the Earth, and thousands of years of history, and pre-history. Then, after wars, prophecies, sins, virtues, songs, dances, dinosaurs, and Brian Boru there was a woman in Paris who got pregnant. That was not a new event in history, however, so no one bothered to record it at the time. It was, shall we say, unimportant.

The baby grew inside his mother's womb, and not in her stomach as some three-year-olds believes. He started the size of a drop of water and soon began to develop tiny features. After a few weeks he was sucking his thumb and kicking his mother in the ribs. It was a pleasant, if wet, existence.

Unfortunately, his mother wasn't the brightest of women. She began to wear lead powder to give her skin a porcelain complexion. This was stupid, and I shall explain why. Lead is poisonous, and can cause serious damage. Some of the effects of lead are: madness, auto-immune disorders, and... birth defects. The poor baby was stricken with the latter of these effects, (and some would argue the first as well, but that comes later.) His nose never grew. I don't know why, it just didn't. His eyes sunk inwards, and his skin turned yellowish and clung to his skull. He was not yet born, however, and did not know that these defects were a problem.

One day, after the baby was nine months old, he began to feel himself being pushed from his warm 'home'. Without warning, he was thrust into a strange world of light and air and personal fads. It was shocking!

"Why didn't anyone give me a heads up about this?" he thought, "How was I supposed to be prepared for such an alien environment? Get me back into the womb! It's cold here! Oh, no! What's wrong now? I can't breath! Waaaa!" When he opened his mouth to cry however, he discovered that the singular, gaseous atmosphere of the strange, new world was breathable.

"Oh! So that's what lungs are for!" he thought. Then he heard noises. They weren't very nice sounding. They all seemed angry at him, and they were calling him a strange sound liken to "Freak."

"Hey! What did I do?" he thought, "I just got here!" He wondered what 'freak' was.

He looked around to see what was making the noise. The world away from the womb was much bigger than he had thought! He looked at the creatures calling him 'freak'. One was a tall, pink, fat thing with hair growing from his upper lip. The other was a pouty, pink, thing with long hair off her head. Both of these creatures had their bodies wrapped in odd material. The hair-lip's was green and brown, (though the baby didn't know what those colors were yet,) and the pouty's were black and white, (the baby didn't know these colors either.) Then the baby saw his mother. She was a pale, long haired, creature with dark circles under her blue eyes.

"Hi mom!" he thought.

She glared at him, and moved her mouth saying strange, incoherent syllables: "Ica_nth_ave _A_ fre_e_ee_k_ fo_ras_on! G_et_rid _o_fit."

"I can't understand you, mama." The baby thought, "But I can tell that you're crabby."

Then another of the tall, pink folk stepped up. He was dressed in black, and he had a white collar. He looked at the baby kindly and said in a deep bellow, "Howcanyou wantto abandonyour sonbecauseheis different? Youmust careforhim. Donottreat himwrongly. Itiswhatwe dotothe le ast ofthese thattakes usto heaven."

Then the deep voiced creature took the baby and carried him over to a strange container filled with water. Deep voice pored water on his head and said some things that the baby couldn't follow. The only thing that he did catch was that he had been named. He was now Athenasious Gretter Zenophan Josephus Erik.

"What a horrible name!" he thought, "Just call me Erik! I can't even remember the other names!"

Fortunately, though very few fortunate things were destined for Erik, everyone did call him Erik.

**Now it is review time, the part of the fic when the reads click the little button in the corner and drop a review.**


	2. Chapter 2: Erik is Forced to Leave Home

**Chapter 2 Erik is forced to leave home**

I regret to inform you that the adults in Erik's life were every bit as terrible as they appeared to be in the first chapter. Erik's mother was a mean woman, who cared for nothing but exterior beauty. Of course, she believed _herself_ to be the most beautiful thing on God's green Earth. This was a gross exaggeration. She really was quite a pointed and sour-looking woman all together. The thought that she was not the greatest thing since rose water had never occurred to her, however, and she didn't take kindly to her ugly new addition to her family.

Erik's brother and sisters were no better. His older brother was named Pierre. He was big, fat and smelt like cheese. Normally cheese is a wonderful smell, bit Pierre smelt like _old_ cheese. Pierre was as mean as he was smelly. He hated his siblings, especially Erik. He also found that it is very easy to pick on a helpless person whom everyone hates. So that was what he did.

Erik's sisters were just as bad. Gigi was thirteen and had a mouth large enough to fit a watermelon into. She loved to talk and poke fun at people, and Erik was an easy and defenseless subject. Fifi was four, and had a sour, squashed face. She was terribly spoilt and had everything her own way. She immediately decided that Erik would be her slave, and since everyone hated Erik, no one argued the matter.

Erik was also unfortunate to have the last name of Edlik. This is not the world's worst last name, (Barebones and Crapper are worse,) but when your name is Erik Edlik it is horrible. Erik Edlik just isn't well accepted.

The Edlik family was very big, and lived in a big house. There were ten members of the Edlik family. Mr. Edlik was a crabby man who worked all day as a mason (some said a Free Mason, but there was no proof.) Mrs. Edlik was the vain mother. Her children are listed above. Then there was Granny Edlik, who hated children and puppies and kittens and anything that reminded her that she was no longer young. Uncle Walter was a drunken sailor. Aunty Penpen was his American wife, (she couldn't speak French and had no wish to.) Lastly there was cousin Lili. She was eighteen and liked to bite people. Needless to say, they weren't pleasant people.

One day Uncle Walter was so drunk that he shot all the neighbors' horses. This made the neighbors angry. The neighbors ran to the big house and began to break the windows.

"Come out or we'll frazz you to a frizzle! We'll frizz you to a frazzle! We'll goosh you to a glop! We'll glop you to a goosh!" the neighbors chanted.

"What in the name of great gripes are those bumpkins about?" Mr. Edlik bellowed.

Uncle Walter was frightened. "They're mad at Erik!" he quickly lied.

"Erik!" all the Edliks yelled.

"Y, yes?" The now two-year-old Erik asked. He was worried by the tone of everyone's voices.

"You are a disgrace!" Mrs. Edlik shouted.

"You're a freak!" Mr. Edlik bellowed.

"You're, uh, not very, uh, good." Pierre said stupidly.

"You're embarrassing!" Gigi screamed.

"You're stupid!" Fifi screeched.

"You're dirty!" Granny squawked.

"You do bad things!" Aunty Penpen said, (in English.)

"You're dotty as a doughnut!" Lili sniffed.

"You do naughty things!" Uncle Walter spat.

"And we don't like you!" they all said together.

"And?" Erik asked timidly.

"You must be punished!" Uncle Walter said.

"Severely!" Mrs. Edlik added.

"Grounded from the piano for a month?" Erik asked.

"No."

"Spanked with a horse whip?"

"No."

"Locked in a the wardrobe?"

"No."

"Have my mouth washed out with soap?"

"No."

"Have to sleep with Fido in the dog house?"

"No."

"Then, then you don't mean..."

"You must go away. We don't want you any more." Mrs. Edlik said.

Erik sniffled and went away to pack as his family congratulated themselves on getting rid of him. He packed his shabby shoes, his nappies, his blanket, his chewing gum, and Carl the stuffed pig. He didn't have very many things, and what he did have wasn't very nice. His shoes were hand-me-downs of hand-me-downs of hand-me-downs. His nappies were those on sale kind that itch. His blanket had come from an old bag. His chewing gum was borrowed from a hobo. Even Carl was in bad condition, and had been found in a trash receptacle. He didn't have any clothes other than the ones he was wearing.

"Out! Out! Out!" the family called.

Erik obediently left his home to seek his fortune in the wide, wide world.


	3. Chapter 3: The Things People Do

**Chapter 3 The things people do to pay the school tax**

The world was a very dark and cold place for a lonely two-year-old without a home. However, he did know where he was going, and that was important. He headed straight for the employment office.

A fat woman with too much lipstick sat at the frot desk. "May I heeeeeeelp you?" she wheezed. She had obviously been smoking. Smokers always wheeze.

"Yes, do you have any job openings for a two-year-old with limited experience, a deformed face, and a knack for music?" Erik asked.

"Uh-huh, buddy-boy, we sure do. The freak show is looking for just such a person. Report at noon to Mr. Seedy's Meretricious Carnival."

Erik didn't want to be in a freak show, but sometimes one has to do what they have to do to pay the bills –not to mention the public school tax- so he accepted.

At noon he trudged to Mr. Seedy's. A big man in a yellow and red checkered tux met him.

"So, yer the freak kid with musical abilities?" the man asked.

"Y, yes." Erik stammered.

"I'm Mr. Seedy. Call me Uncle. Now, let's see if you're ugly enough."

Uncle Seedy led Erik into a tent. There the big man took of Erik's mask and inspected his face. "Yup, yer a sicko." Uncle Seedy said, "Go to cage nine and act gross. Then everyone will through things at you and my assistant and chief-assistant will slap you around for a good five minutes. Any questions?"

"Um, yeah, how much is pay?" Erik asked, not liking the sound of the job at all.

"Well, who's your parents?" Uncle Seedy asked.

"Mr. and Mrs. Edlik of Rue Poo Avenue."

"Uh-huh, well, since you're a minor your parents get the pay. You get... nothing. To the cages."

"But, if I get nothing then I don't want the job!" Erik stated.

"You're getting to be a big boy now. You should know that life isn't just about what you want. Life is about what big people who push worthless little people like you around want." Uncle Seedy said, breathing garlic breath on Erik's face, "Get to the cages or I'll send for my assistants."

Uncle Seedy gestured to two men with clubs.

Erik decided to go to the cage.


	4. Chapter 4:Another Miracle and a tragedy

**Chapter 4 Another miracle and a Tragedy **

"My dear," called a Swedish woman named Mrs. Daae, "I'm home."

"Good Thor! Where have you been? By Frey! You've been gone for three days! Loki! I've been worried!" Mr. Daae exclaimed.

"Well, honey, you know how I've been getting terribly fat lately?"

"Well..." Mr. Daae didn't want to agree and hurt his wife's feelings.

"Well? Anyway, I found out why. I was something that people call 'pregnant'." Mrs. Daae explained.

"And that is?" Mr. Daae asked.

"A baby was growing in me!"

"Good Odin!"

"Don't be silly. It's quite normal. It happens to all married women, so I am told." She said, "Anyhow, we have a daughter."

"I, I'm a, a, a _daddy_?" Mr. Daae asked.

"And I'm a mommy." Mrs. Daae replied.

"Gah." Came a voice.

"And this is Christine Iduna Bjorn Daae." Mrs. Daae stated, revealing a small, pink baby wrapped in fleece.

"What a horrible name!" Mr. Daae grunted, "Let's just call her Christine."

"That's fine." Mrs. Daae agreed.

Christine was led into the nice, stone hut the Daaes lived in. She liked it. It smelt like radishes. There was a reason for that smell, of course. The Daae family were radish farmers. They grew all the little radishes that were used at the radish festival.

Christine's bed was a cradle made of whale bone and stag hide. Above her bed hung all the usual baby things: St. John's Wart (to keep away dark elves), silver (for goblin protection), a wishbone (for more goblin protection), wolfbane (to remove all threat of vampires), red yarn (to keep away the evil spirits of the caves), and a book on weight loss (to keep away cheek-pinching Uncle Harbjorn.)

"My mommy and daddy are very superstitious!" Christine thought.

"Oh!" screamed Mrs. Daae, "I walked under a ladder!"

"Why is that bad?" Christine thought, "Did she upset a can of paint?"

Mrs. Daae clutched her heart. She was so terrified of the bad luck that she might befall her that she had a heart attack and died right there and then.

"Oh no!" Christine cried.

"No! The evil elves have killed my wife!" Mr. Daae sobbed.

"She died from fear of superstition!" Christine objected, "Don't believe such silly things or you'll end up like her!"

Mr. Daae did not listen. He had his wife buried and sat down to cast runes and determine the Daae future.

"Why don't we just think reasonably about what would be the best thing to do in this situation?" Christine thought.

Her father cast a rune. "Ah-ha! We are to travel the world playing music!"

"And _how_ did you figure that one?" Christine asked.

Dear reader: I must interrupt this fic to explain why Christine could understand adult speech after birth and Erik could not. You see, Mrs. Daae ate nothing but a strict diet alphabet soup throughout her pregnancy. Therefore, Christine could understand all forms of speech. It's very simple.


	5. Chapter 5: The baby drinks fairie soda

**Chapter 5 The Baby Drinks Fairie Soda **

Mr. Daae packed up the Daae family's few possessions and bought a gypsy cart from a toad named J. Thaddeus. It was a lovely, yellow cart, and it carried the Daaes comfortably. Christine had a little hammock to sleep in, and Mr. Daae had a cot and a coffee maker. In this cart, they began to travel the world.

One day, the Daaes decided to take a boat to a place called Ireland. Christine was one month old, and ready for adventure. Because of her alphabet soup influence, she could already speak, and she was happily singing in a beautiful voice an Irish song called _Shan-von-Voght_.

"Honey, that's a rather brutal song for an infant of your age to sing." Mr. Daae protested as his daughter loudly proclaimed the verse about 'hanging men an' women for the wearing o' the green'.

"Arra!" said a passerby, "Let the garl sing. Tis' nottin' but good Irish rebellion in that o' gig."

Christine blushed. "Thank you." She said.

"How olde are ye childer?" the Irishman asked.

"One month." Christine stated promptly.

"Arra! In me own day, the childer didn't start singin' against the bloody Brits 'till they was much older than that!"

"Yes, she's very... special." Mr. Daae said.

The Daae family continued on, and Christine finished her _Shan-von-Voght_ and was moving on to _Hi Rim Bo_. After that she had decided to sing _Rodney's Drum_ and _Brian Boru_. She continued with her musical pieces until something strange happened. It was a moment of her life that started a chain of strange events. It happened this way.

Mr. Daae decided to enter a pub to buy a double gin. The runes had said it was alright to leave Christine in the cart, and so he felt no danger in doing so. There Christine sat, warbling away at speedy Gaelic reels, when a fairie hopped in beside her.

"Nice tune ye got lassie!" he said, smoothing his long red hair.

"Oh, thank you." Christine replied, "Who are you?"

"I'm Toad-blood, lassie!" he answered, "Toad-blood of Briarwoods. Fairie hunter, m'dear."

"Oh! I've never met a fairie before. Are you like a goblin or an elf?" Christine asked.

"Pshaw!" Toad-blood laughed, "Them? No, m'darlin', a Fairie's a Fairie, and that's that!"

"Oh."

"Well, Parsnip -mind if I call you Parsnip?" Toad-blood asked.

"No, you can call me anything you want." Christine reassured.

"Well then, Parsnip, yer a purdy lass!" Toad-blood said, "An' I do enjoy puttin' a smile o' the faces o' beautiful women! So, what about a gift, eh?"

"Yes please!" Christine said. She loved presents.

"Here, havva swig o' this!" Toad-blood handed her a walnut shell filled with bubbly liquid.

"What is it?" Christine asked.

"Nuttin' but fairie soda!" Toad-blood said carelessly.

Christine drank it. It tasted like huckleberries and sheepsour.

"Mmm!" Christine sighed, "It's good!"

"Yeah, 'tis true!" Toad-blood agreed, "An' 'tis magic as well! Ye'll be singin' like a siren an' dreamin' o' folk ye never heard of afore the hour's up."

"What?" Christine asked.

"Ach, gotta run!" Toad-blood said, "Time to kidnap Lady MacCollery. Ta-ta, purdy lassie!"

Toad-blood flew away, humming snatches of _Anachie Gordon_ as he left.

"Bye Toady." Christine called after him. She decided she would continue her singing, as she waited for her father to return. But, when she opened to mouth to sing, her voice seemed to have been replaced with that of an angel.

"Oh!" Christine giggled, "It's true! It's fairie soda! It's magic! Huzzah!"

However, the gift did not end there. After a few more rousing melodies ranging from _Alleluia_ to _In Trutina_, she cuddle up for a nap. That was when her magic dreams began. She dreamt of a boy in a far away country called France. He was locked in a cage, and people were laughing at him and calling him mean names. Then he was forced to sing, and his voice was gorgeous! Immediately, although the boy was rather ugly, and although both he and she were still in their nappies, she fell in love. (And that was the last, though unmentioned, effect of the fairie soda.)


	6. Chapter 6: Yet another miracle

**Chapter 6 Yet Another Miracle**

At the same time as Christine's mother died from superstition, another baby was entering the world. He poked his little, bald head out from his warm womb and shuddered. Nope. There was no way he was going out there. It was just too scary.

"Well, this is fun, but ta-ta. I'm goin' back in." he thought.

Suddenly two giant, pink hands grabbed him.

"Lemme go!" He thought, "I wanna go back to the womb!"

However, the hands had to intention of letting him go back in, and they quickly slid him out.

"Ooo! It's very bright here!" the newborn thought, "I will stare at all this wonderful light and gloat about how pretty it is. But, what is this? It appears I... can't... breathe! They, they cut my umbilical cord! They're tryin' to kill me! Waaaa!" And, just like Erik, he found that he no longer needed his umbilical cord to breathe.

"Oh, this is better." He thought, "My, how loud I am! I will increase the volume of my voice: WAAAAAAAAA!"

"Mybabyiscrying! Heisalright!" a woman who the infant recognized immediately as his mommy said.

"Hi mummy. I'm loud!" the baby thought, "Listen as I increase my volume once more: **WAAAAAAAAA**!"

"Ahmybabyis socute." His mommy cooed.

"Whatwillwename him?" a man who the baby recognized as his papa asked.

"Dow." His mommy said, "Dow Dobry Gordy Kornelius Raoul de Changy."

"What a horrible name!" Dow Dobry Gordy Kornelius Raoul de Changy thought.

"Whata horriblename!" his papa exclaimed, "Let's callhim Raoul."

"Youcan." Dow's mommy sniffed, "I'm callinghim Dowy."

"I hope that you will all call me Raoul, or I'll make your lives very loud." Dow thought angrily.

"Letussee whathe wants." His papa said, "Dow?"

"Waaaaaaa!" Dow screamed.

"Raoul?" his mommy asked.

"Goo." Dow cooed.

"Ha! Toldyouso!" hi papa laughed, snatching up Dow, (who was now Raoul,) and spinning him on the swivel chair.

"Stop!" Raoul's mommy shouted, "You'llswizzlehisnoodle!"

"I'm dizzy!" Raoul thought unhappily, "Now I must make a lot of noise. WAAAAAAA!"


	7. Chapter 7: More about fairie soda

**Chapter 7 More About Fairie Soda**

This chapter is more about fairie soda. All fairie soda is magic, and each flavor casts a different spell. Cherry causes beautiful hair, the ability to whistle with one's fingers in one's mouth, and telepathy. Blueberry causes dancing, the ability to cross one's eyes, and alchemy. Lime is good for swimming, unicorn catching, and finger games. Super-sweet is an evil kind that makes the drinker fat, ADD, and a good yodeler. Christine's soda was Sour-surprise. It caused her to sing like an angel, have magic dreams, and fall in love with a random dream boy.

The way fairie soda works is very magical. If you looked into a cup of fairie soda you would see that all the bubbles move in zig-zag directions. This means that when the soda is swallowed it gets all confused in the body and goes to the brain instead of the tummy. Then the magic sugars take root in the brain cells and grow little trees. These trees are so tiny that the strongest microscope cannot see them. The trees make flowers, and the flowers make magic dust. That is what causes the magic gifts.

You may ask, 'how do I know so much about fairie soda?' The answer is simple. I happen to be a fairie, and Toad-blood is my cousin. I was, in fact, one of the chief inventors of the drink, and Raspberry-razzmatazz is under my paten. (It causes strange story ideas, the ability to vibrate one's hand, and a love of owls.)


End file.
